PRT Cancelled Due to "Inadequate Coldness"

Annapolis, MD-

Citing serious concerns over the lack of cold outside, the Naval Academy PE Department has called off the PRT temporarily. "This is a disaster," stated LT Brian Glaser, "How can they expect the midshipmen to run in weather like this? It's only 21 degrees outside! It needs to be at least... three times as cold." When informed that the temperature scale doesn't really work that way, he was a little embarrassed, but still a little confused.

PE officials have been scrambling for ways to alleviate the problem by finding other ways to make the PRT uncomfortable. As a logical extension to the use of corrals during the strength portion, PE officials will now walk around with branding irons. Furthermore, inspection prior to the PRT will be more stringent- "If you come in here with that fancy-pants Nike gear, we'll strip it from you, and make fun of you really bad."

Suggestions for "creative motivation" during the run included stationing polar bears in strategic locations around the field, and giving LCDR Harris energy drinks to boost his already crazy ass.

Bored Trident Scholar Operates On Himself

Aberdeen, CA-

Midshipman 1/C Will Schmitt has always had, to say the least, an active mind. It was not much of a surprise then when family members discovered that this past Wednesday, Will succesfully replaced his left arm with robotic forceps. Says Will, "When I'm in school I'm swamped with classes, my project, and all the other Academy bullshit. When vacation came around, I was bored because there was so little to do, so I made myself some sweet pincers out of spare parts around the house."

Will has found many and varied uses for his new arm, including: Scaring children, breaking off doorknobs, engine repair, and doggy obedience training. While Will expressed enthusiasm over his newfound bodypart, his fiancee was not so thrilled. Demi Lane stated, "He has no control over that thing. He grabbed my ass and pinched a nerve or something. I can't feel anything in my right leg anymore."

Will looks forward to future projects, including a "mandible immobilizer" which should stop his fiancee and her stupid exaggerating mouth.

Pep Rally Bonfire Out of Control, Entered into Conduct System

Farragut Field, Annapolis-

After a particularly rowdy pep rally last night, the Naval Academy Bonfire was entered into the conduct system for a host of conduct offenses including: Discrediting Personal Conduct, Destructive Behavior, Fleeing/Avoiding the Police, Destruction of Government Property, Causing a fire on government property, and Improper Shave. Ultimately, the fire was awarded punishment for a 23000 level offense, but failed to show this morning for adjudication.

The accuser was none other than 1/C Sean Genis, who in the midst of an extremely busy schedule, found time to fry the fire. In an interview last night, Genis stated "This bonfire was clearly not upholding the high standards of the Naval Academy. By the way I'm a very single Rhodes Scholar that rides a bicycle very well. Anyway, that fire was just out of control and. And Brittaniiiaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Submarine Officer Weirds Out Company

Annapolis, MD-

Midshipman 2/C Arbel loves to sleep, and he usually sleeps like a proverbial baby, but on one afternoon in October, 2/C Arbel was abruptly woken from his slumber by what he called "This creepy-ass feeling I was being watched." He reports, "I was dreaming about being in this cave with the Corona girls, petting lizards and eating candy corn, when I heard someone breathing really close to me." Midshipman Arbel woke to find LT. Akalward peeling off 2/C Arbel's socks. The lieutenant explained "Your room was unbearably warm. So warm... and you should be comfortable in your own abode."

The rest of 31st company has not been immune to the submarine lieutenant's peculiars. As a matter of personal comfort, he has boarded over his windows, dropped the temperature to a cool 65 degrees fahrenheit, and rumor has it that he keeps a small nuclear reactor in his closet. Melwood employee Ringo Ballston recalls, "I went into his office one time, just snoopin' and poopin' and I saw that his closet had some water coming out from under the door. I lapped up a little bit of it because I was curious, and I've been epileptic ever since."

Signs in Dahlgren Hall, Ridiculous to the N*th Degree

Dahlgren Hall-

What once began as inane but excusable signs hanging in Dahlgren have become the subject of endless criticism in the cool, sarcastic circles of Bancroft Hall. Nobody seems to know who crafts these blue and gold textual masterpieces, and so the Navy Fork went to seek out the writers in order to obtain an explanation. Their search led to a secret weight room located in the basement of Ricketts Hall, where reporters found, amongst other things: Steroids for veterinary use, CD's by a little known band called "Primal Wolf Anger", and a half-eaten gazelle.

The inhabitant had apparently fleed when we came into the lair, but in his hurry had strewn slips of paper across the floor with rough handwriting on them. Some of the most recent included the now infamous slogans, "You have to play football like someone just hit your mother with a two by four," and "We don't care how big or tough any team is as long as they are HUMAN." For the spirit of the Brigade, the Navy Fork collected several of those slips and presented them to the Spirit Committee for review. The Navy Fork has unveiled these candidates for the next banner.

1. Hit hard, hit fast, hit your grandparents!!! - An Adaptation from a factually inaccurate quote.
2. Chop block like you're Mr. Miyagi!!!
3. Beat their groins, beat their heads, beat their future children dead!!!
4. Raga ra naka laka blarrr!!!



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