Chuck Norris to Retire as Naval Academy Role Model

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Chuck Norris, B rated movie star and famed martial artist, announced today that he has retired from being a role model for midshipmen. He explained, "I've always been what I am and if people dig that, that's fine. However, I think I've done my part and it's time for me to go." Mournful fans gathered around his picture and talked about beards and roundhouse kicks before Mr. Norris interrupted the meeting. "Look guys, can't you find another hero? I sell fitness machines for a living."

Midshipmen across the brigade fell in love again with the star of "Walker, Texas Ranger" this past winter after his clips appeared on the Conan O'Brien show. Random fact generators also helped to spread Mr. Norris' macho mystique. Since then, midshipmen have become superfans; posting pictures of him, memorizing his measurements, and offering their firstborn children to the action hero.

Chuck Norris' departure leaves a wide-open spot for glorification of TV heroes. The most surprising and most German contender is David Hasselhoff.