No One Really Sure Why Flag is at Half Mast

Everywhere, USA-

Midshipmen, faculty, officers, and gate guards all wondered today about the flag's placement at half-mast today. The practice of raising and lowering the flag to half the flagpole's height is regulated by the President, who has no idea why the flag was at half-mast either. Sources inside of main office report that, "We got a call saying that someone's aunt had choked on her tuna fish sandwich and she was a assistant delegate to the African nation of Djibouti, and the sandwich was so delicious she actually died, and that's why the flag's at half-mast."

4/C James, who was part of this morning's flag detail, reported that the real reason they left it at half-mast was the flag's monstrous size. He commented, "That flag is really freaking huge." Other members of the flag detail confirmed the hugeness of the flag.

In response to the confusion of this morning, the Commandant has recommended "Flag training" for all third-class midshipmen. Youngsters celebrated in the p-ways today, chanting, "More fun for us." No clear reason has yet emerged for the ensign's position at half-mast.