Note From the Editor

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USNA Seeks New Ways to Decrease Enrollment

Annapolis, MD-

An overabundance of junior officers in the United States Navy in recent years has prompted the Naval Academy to decrease the size of its brigade of midshipmen. Vice Admiral Rodney "Papa Guinea" Rempt suggests a holistic approach to lowering numbers. "We want to look at this holistically, meaning that we'll do everything to discourage these mids morally, mentally, and physically."

The superintendent and his staff have been looking for staff to do just that, seeking the cruelest, stupidest, sloppiest people to head the Supe's new missions. Amongst those in consideration for the position of "Head of Moral Degradation" are former dictator Saddam Hussein, whose long history of genocide, torture, and mustaches puts him near the top of the pool, and Michael Jackson, former pop star turned wicked child molester. In seeming contradiction to the creation of an atmosphere of lax morals, the Superintendent also wants to hire new honor staff, whose primary job will be to "jack shit up." Joey Galvani, an Italian mobster and honor staff candidate states, "Here's how I'm gonna do this. You lie, I slit your tongue down the middle. You cheat, I break your ribs with a crow bar. You steal, and I cut your fucking fingers off."

The head of mental degradation will be playboy bunny turned stupid whore, Anna Nicole Smith. She promises to teach important things like how to seduce old men then fail to get their money and how to arrange your own son's death.

Finally, the head of the physical degradation department is Col. David Fuqueau.

Ninja Class Interrupted By Actual Ninja

Lejeune Hall-

Midshipmen and Coaches in 2nd period Marine Corps Martial Arts came to class today expecting to learn the basics of applied physical violence. They anticipated doing shoulder rolls and groin kicks, but today, they encountered much more than the usual stomp your partner's face-in monotony of MCMA. While covering the basic guard and mount positions, which left 3/C Patela discomfortingly aroused, the class suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of fear and loathing. The Lejeune Hall wrestling room filled with smoke the color of black death and the smell of burning sulfur and other mysterious oriental spices.
When the smoke cleared, the class beheld a shadowy figure in black, a katana as cold as popsicle in hand. He addressed the class in a demon voice, saying, "私は私の子ネコのための人の肉を追求しているトラの母のように空腹である" which roughly translates "I am hungry like a tiger mother, seeking man flesh for my kittens." Then, with a great ninja kick, he altered the time-space continuum and kicked off the wrestling instructor's head.
As soon as he arrived, he left, leaving the class trembling in wonderful fear. This is the tale of ninja. Have a ninja-way day.