Bored Trident Scholar Operates On Himself

Aberdeen, CA-

Midshipman 1/C Will Schmitt has always had, to say the least, an active mind. It was not much of a surprise then when family members discovered that this past Wednesday, Will succesfully replaced his left arm with robotic forceps. Says Will, "When I'm in school I'm swamped with classes, my project, and all the other Academy bullshit. When vacation came around, I was bored because there was so little to do, so I made myself some sweet pincers out of spare parts around the house."

Will has found many and varied uses for his new arm, including: Scaring children, breaking off doorknobs, engine repair, and doggy obedience training. While Will expressed enthusiasm over his newfound bodypart, his fiancee was not so thrilled. Demi Lane stated, "He has no control over that thing. He grabbed my ass and pinched a nerve or something. I can't feel anything in my right leg anymore."

Will looks forward to future projects, including a "mandible immobilizer" which should stop his fiancee and her stupid exaggerating mouth.