Chaplain Logan Promises More Fire and Brimstone At Next Prayer

King Hall-

The Brigade of Midshipmen met Chaplain Logan for the first time today at Noon Meal in King Hall, the brigade's dining hall. After a brief introduction, the newest member of the Chaplain staff began a prayer that rocked King Hall's walls. In a deep, sonorous voice, the Chaplain called to the Lord Almighty. Midshipmen were shaken out of parade rest and some turned to pillars of salt. The heathen fell down with great gnashing of teeth and 1000 pounds of sliced turkey danced as it heard the chaplain call to God.

"Oh Lord," prayed Chaplain Logan, "May the promiscuous midshipmen contract sexually transmitted infections." Midshipmen across the brigade winced, and the Protestant Midshipmen Club praised the Lord for the True Love Waits promise they made in junior high.

Critics claim that Chaplain Logan "preached too much in favor of the Christian perspective at the anchor." Logan retorted with, "What do I care? You're still going to hell bitch!" Chaplain Logan promised to deliver more fire and brimstone at his next prayer and also vowed to "smite the unholiness" out of the Naval Academy. Already, the fiery preacher has ripped apart six yarmulkas with his bare hands, set fire to the Muslim prayer room, and broken three Buddhist meditation bowls over his head. Logan plans to pray at each noon meal prayer for the next three years.

Graffiti In Nimitz Bathrooms Lacking Usual Punch

1st LT's office-

Midshipmen passing through the bowels of Nimitz library have noticed a dramatic drop in the quantity and quality of graffiti on bathroom walls. The popular stalls are an everyday attraction for numerous groggy mids, who stop to enjoy the facilities and the artwork that adorns the walls. Advocates from the "Midshipmen that want to get kicked out" club blamed the decline on multiple factors; including the ban on the word "wuba," daily cleaning by the 1st LT staff, and a general decrease in ignorance.

"It's really pretty sad," said Midshipman 1/C White. "I remember the good old days, when a giant penis and vagina were considered good reading material. Now, all I see is whiny poetry. What the foxtrot." Some noticeable differences from the past include the "Midshipmen I'd like to have sex with" list's change to the "Midshipmen I'd like to walk by" list.

Classics like Shithouse Tennis and the "Here I sat broken-hearted" poem also experienced change. One mentally retarded midshipman wrote, "Look Right" on the righthand wall, ending the game prematurely. The following is a recent and obtuse addendum to the "Here I sat broken-hearted poem" actually found in a bathroom stall.

"Here I sit,
looking emo,
wishing for
some handcream-o."

Chuck Norris to Retire as Naval Academy Role Model

Somewhere-

Chuck Norris, B rated movie star and famed martial artist, announced today that he has retired from being a role model for midshipmen. He explained, "I've always been what I am and if people dig that, that's fine. However, I think I've done my part and it's time for me to go." Mournful fans gathered around his picture and talked about beards and roundhouse kicks before Mr. Norris interrupted the meeting. "Look guys, can't you find another hero? I sell fitness machines for a living."

Midshipmen across the brigade fell in love again with the star of "Walker, Texas Ranger" this past winter after his clips appeared on the Conan O'Brien show. Random fact generators also helped to spread Mr. Norris' macho mystique. Since then, midshipmen have become superfans; posting pictures of him, memorizing his measurements, and offering their firstborn children to the action hero.

Chuck Norris' departure leaves a wide-open spot for glorification of TV heroes. The most surprising and most German contender is David Hasselhoff.

Answers to Crossword Below

Across:
3. I can't even remember
4. Mattis
5. Forrestal
6. Blue and Golds
7. Staubach
Down:
1. Paper Airplanes
2. Official

Crossword: Forrestals