Naval Academy Officially A Penitentiary

Annapolis, MD-

Officials from the Maryland Justice Department officially renamed the United States Naval Academy today as the United States Naval Penitentiary (USNP) in a long anticipated, and long overdue move. Records show that the former academy's designation as a service academy was the result of a bookkeeping error in 1845 that had hitherto gone unnoticed. The news did not surprise many of the students, many of whom had assumed the worst from the beginning. Midshipman Number 071598, Jeremy Sherlock stated, "I knew this was a prison the day I came here. The urinalyses, the uniforms, the violent intramural sports... you gotta be a dumbass not to realize it."

The USNP has gone to new lengths to support its image as a prison by utilizing Dahlgren Hall as a new mess facility. Crowding the floor, according to prison guard Elana Swill, allows for better crowd control in case of disorderly conduct. "We're bringing in snipers next week to prevent any prison hijinx. You'd be amazed at how crazy and creative these monkeys can be. They have this called "the wildman." I mean, wow, that's crazy and out of control." USNP will phase in standard prison procedures by first replacing the current silverware with plastic sporks, then by putting barb wire up, then by encouraging sodomy, then by allowing all inmates to watch TV. The brigade will welcome the improvement.