No One Really Sure Why Flag is at Half Mast

Everywhere, USA-

Midshipmen, faculty, officers, and gate guards all wondered today about the flag's placement at half-mast today. The practice of raising and lowering the flag to half the flagpole's height is regulated by the President, who has no idea why the flag was at half-mast either. Sources inside of main office report that, "We got a call saying that someone's aunt had choked on her tuna fish sandwich and she was a assistant delegate to the African nation of Djibouti, and the sandwich was so delicious she actually died, and that's why the flag's at half-mast."

4/C James, who was part of this morning's flag detail, reported that the real reason they left it at half-mast was the flag's monstrous size. He commented, "That flag is really freaking huge." Other members of the flag detail confirmed the hugeness of the flag.

In response to the confusion of this morning, the Commandant has recommended "Flag training" for all third-class midshipmen. Youngsters celebrated in the p-ways today, chanting, "More fun for us." No clear reason has yet emerged for the ensign's position at half-mast.

Barbershop Reinforces Segregation Policy

Barbershop, USNA-

Barbers at the Naval Academy issued a revamped version of their current segregation policy, stating a general dissatisfaction with midshipmen. Derek aka "Ludacris" leads the initiative. "We're putting the white guys, the asian guys, the spanish guys outside on the cold, hard benches next to the boiler room. My brothers can chill inside our awesome lounge area." The following is a list of policies effective next week, some of which are already standard procedure.

1. NO WHITE, ASIAN, OR LATINO GUYS ALLOWED.
2. NO HONKY TALK.
3. HIGH-AND-TIGHT OR SIMILAR CUTS ONLY.
4. MEL IS FIRED.
5. THE KOREAN LADIES ARE FIRED.
6. MARGE IS FIRED.
7. YOU'RE FIRED.
8. STRAIGHT HAIR NOT OKAY.
9. CURLY HAIR OKAY.
10. RAP, REGGAE, AND MOTOWN ONLY.

Mrs. Rempt Spotted in Girls Gone Wild Video

South Padre, TX-

While Admiral Rempt stayed in Annapolis to oversee construction on the Yard, Mrs. Rempt went down south to celebrate spring break. Sources report that Mrs. Pamela Rempt spent last week off the coast of Texas with a group of girlfriends in an annual pilgrimage to the sunny vacation spot. The superintendent's wife commented, "Hey, we still get it on. Now watch me drop."

Videographers from the infamous "Girls Gone Wild" company taped footage of Mrs. Rempt doing just that. In a crowd of twenty-something women and very surprised young men, "Pammy" showed the camera how she keeps Rodney happy. Two male witnesses immediately fell into comas at the site and were evacuated by helicopter.

Mrs. Rempt expressed no concern about the video, saying, "I'm not ashamed of what I do. I like sun, a little liquor, and maybe a little boobage on the side. Life's short and you have to enjooyyyyy it."

On Last Day of Classes, Midshipmen Focused On Getting Nutty

Annapolis, MD-

Sixth period is tough on any day of the week, but the last period of the last day before Spring Break may be the toughest day of the calendar year. That's why we say fuck it!

Have a crazy crunk time homies!







Also, if you have a good headline or good spring break XYZ case, mail it to midnxyz@hotmail.com
And buy a shirt, the link is to the right.

2/C Accidentally Calls Ring His "Precious"

Mortar, MD-

Second-class midshipmen received their rings yesterday and Wednesday in one of the most highly anticipated events of the year. Among those third year midshipmen was 2/C Gaulle of Mortar, Maryland. Roommate Eli Ford reports that shortly after receiving his ring, Gaulle rushed up to his room and hid in the closet.

Ford confronted Gaulle and kept a microrecorder in his pocket to record the conversation. The following is a transcript of the recorded discussion.


Rustling as Ford Opens Closet

F: Umm, Gaulle? What are you doing?
G: Examining my ring.
F: Okay, doesn't really explain why you're in the closet, but cool. Can I see?
G: NO! No... This ring is mine. My own. My precious...
F: You are acting really f-cking weird.

Hissing noises, sound of closet slamming shut.


Midshipmen across the brigade report similar incidents of second-class succumbing to the power of their rings. The spell is predicted to pass by the beginning of next week, when the rings must be hidden away until the proper time.

Tecumseh Files For Bankruptcy

T Court-

After decades of sitting pretty in self-titled T-Court, Tecumseh is ready to call it quits. The bronze statue of famed Native American chief Tecumseh applied for bankruptcy this week after suffering through years of financial woe. "My revenue has been dropping steadily since about 1960, when mids were still into the coin tossing thing." Known as the god of 2.0, Tecumseh or "Mr. T" as he likes to be called, cites a drop in the quantity and quality of coins thrown into his quiver. "I got to say, this is a really dangerous business. Do you know how many times I've caught a rusty penny in my eye? I can't even blink!"

The bust planned to take a vacation this May, but fiscal demands will keep Tecumseh in his spot for an undetermined amount of time. "I really needed a vacation. Seriously, you try staring at the same corner of Bancroft Hall 24/7. I'd like to go to Bora Bora some time in my life." In his bankruptcy report, Tecumseh blamed midshipmen for bringing about his misfortunes. He explained, "I don't get paid nearly enough. For you it's all fun and games. 'HA HA let's paint the Indian! How about Buzz Lightyear this time? No, let's do Richard Gere.' You're all a bunch of assholes."

As a remedial measure, Tecumseh has raised his rates, charging $1 for every C that he conjures. He intends to honor his 2.0 code, but only on the condition that he receives a Sacajawea coin, or its equivalent, for every appeal. "I better see a pretty Indian lady falling into my quiver, or you're done. You see these arrows? They're made out of bronze. How'd you like one of those shot into your liver?"

Support Tecumseh.