IM NOT DRRUNK HAAAAAAAAAAAd

Bancroft addhHall;

I heard tahat next year their making this placde a drurnk free campuss. bahahahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaahhhha drinnking doesn't suck YOU SUCK!1!
anywazzy, thats the news for todayy>

peacceezzz

Chaplain Logan Strikes Back, Jesus Not Impressed

Annapolis, MD-

"Grapplin' Chaplain" Logan appeared at the anchor again today with his latest installment in a series of profoundly profound prayers, but today's sermon came with a twist. Informers close to the chaplain told the Navy Fork that someone slipped a note into his prayer that read, "I'd like to dedicate this to my fans at the Navy Fork." Immediately after praying, the Chaplain received information from a mysterious source named Yaweh that allowed him to point out the culprit. In testament to his name, the "Grapplin' Chaplain" wrestled the midshipman to the ground and rendered him unconscious with a blood choke.

Chaplain Logan's actions have incurred criticism from higher-ups, who expressed concern over the Chaplain's bold retaliation. Jesus Christ, in an email to Chaplain Logan, wrote: "This is not how Christians are supposed to act. If someone kicks you in the ass, you turn the other cheek. You don't turn into the Ultimate Fighter." Chaplain Alan T. "Blues" Baker remarked on Logan's behavior with a soulful riff on his harmonica which bystanders interpreted to be some sort of censure. Still, Chaplain Logan promises to continue churning out his famous "Sermon before sandwich" combos.

More on Chaplain Logan:
Chaplain Logan, Dant. Actually the Same Person
Chaplain Logan Promises More Fire and Brimstone At Next Prayer

Mid Uses Stripper On Floor, Faces Rape Charge

Bancroft Hall-

NCIS inspectors visited Bancroft Hall today to gather evidence from the room of Midshipman 2/C Jason Roark, a junior at the United States Naval Academy, after an unnamed classmate accused him of rape. Roark and his attorneys have denied all allegations, stating that he had been "grossly misunderstood." The alleged crime took place at 2:30 in the afternoon yesterday in Roark's room in Bancroft Hall. Evidence found at the scene included traces of hair, dust bunnies, and large quantities of floor -cleaning fluid.

Roark spoke out today, saying, "All I did was clean my floor with Deck Stripper." NCIS officials immediately tasered and handcuffed the midshipman. The Navy Fork approached the NCIS spokesperson, who told us, "That was a confession right there. Deck Stripper is the name of the victim in this case. We didn't know Roark would be so vocal about this, but now we've got the fucker."

"Jimbo" Solves World Hunger Problem

8th Wing-

Jimbo, Melwood employee and agricultural genius, has discovered the cure for the hunger pandemic: Cheerios. The always affable janitor thought of the idea one morning when he saw a hungry midshipman eating some of the cereal on his way to class. He repeated the following conversation for the author:

Jimbo: Hey! Cheerios!
Mid: Hi Jimbo, are you allowed to talk to us today?
Jimbo: No, I'm not allowed to talk any of the military guys today.
Mid: That's okay Jimbo, I know that the supervisor's a cruel taskmaster. See you later!
Jimbo: Oh I'll be around here for awhile.

Jimbo believes that Cheerios are a delicious and wholesome food that could keep everybody full and happy, even the people in Africa. Originally designated as NAFAC's keynote speaker, Jimbo had to leave shortly before his scheduled speech to attend to important "pudding-related business" at home.

Lilly Full of Important Questions?

5th Wing-

If you haven't received an email from Lilly lately, you probably don't have an email account. One half of the laundry lady duo, Lilly has been in the business of sending confusing emails for 80 years. In that time, she has developed an immediately recognizable email style, punctuated solely by question marks.

Jeff Larsen, one of the million people on her email list, is a publisher with Random House that is currently involved in bringing a collection of her emails to the public. He thought of the idea one day after reading about a sock that she found in someone's laundry. "Her email said something like, 'Sock in somebody's laundry? Come and claim your sock whenever you want?' And I thought, somebody should claim that sock. There have been a lot of lost socks in my life and it's about time I claim one. This stuff is deep!"

The collection, entitled "Email Time With Lilly Please?" is set to hit stores this summer. Previews on Amazon.com quote, "God is watching you and please pick up this peanut butter cookie wrapper?" and "This is Lilly? Someone stole my period, comma, and colon keys? Please return so I do not become demon lady and poop in your laundry bag?" and "Lilly is hungry like the wolf? Name that band?"

Chaplain Logan, Dant. Actually the Same Person

Annapolis, MD-

Chaplain Logan made another appearance at the Anchor today to deliver another one of his now notorious prayers. Among the absent was Naval Academy Commandant, Captain Bruce Grooms. Rumors circulating around the Yard, however, say otherwise. Sources inside of the Commandant's Staff tell the Navy Fork that Chaplain Logan is indeed, the Commandant in masquerade.

Jim Schweitzer, who works in the Information Technology Department, has recorded and analyzed the voice patterns of the two characters. "You can see here that the speech is just the same. Here's one syllable... and forty seconds later, the second syllable. These are two samples of the same voice." Schweitzer also noted the bone-dry almost-humor in the two recordings, which point to a similar conclusion.

The Commandant has apparently held an interest in earth-shaking homilies for a very long time. According to Mrs. Grooms, Bruce would have been a Cesarean monk of the Catholic Section if he had not been a basketballing submariner. In fact, Mrs. Grooms told the Fork that she has, on occasion, caught him in the act of thumping his Bible. HARD.

Chaplain Logan, also an avid Bible-thumper, promises to continue delivering his "sermon before sandwich" combination through the rest of the semester. You can find transcripts of his messages in the Old Testament Bible in the Psalms and Proverbs Chapters.