Navy Fork says Happy Holidays

We'll be back in a little bit. Have yourselves a merry christmas and a happy new year.

Nebraska Native Wishes It Was Colder

Annapolis, MD-

Professor Jim Jensen of Omaha, Nebraska, is severely disappointed with his first winter in Annapolis. Apparently, the temperature falls just short of brisk for the husky, bearded, political science professor. "Hrmmmrmm. I'm sweating under the thick hair that covers approximately 85% of my body. Here's a fun fact: I'm starting to smell like spiced meatloaf." Colleagues liken the professor to Viking marauders of yore.

Temperatures for Annapolis have ranged from the high 20's to the low 30's, with winds at 10-15 mph, for the whole month. Still, Professor Jensen longs for his idea of a perfect winter. "You know it's good when there's icicles on your beard and your alcoholic piss freezes before it hits the ground."

Cleaning Thingy- "I do all the damn work around here"

Annapolis, MD-

Cleaning Machine (Serial #034CV6179)threatened to go on strike earlier today when workers failed to refill its soap tank. A valued asset to the cleaning community, Cleaning Machine cleans Bancroft Hall's floors on a daily basis. "You should see some of the crap that I have to clean up. Gum, mouse droppings, pubic hair- I mean seriously, where does this shit come from?" Coworkers agree with Cleaning Machine, pointing out that it does about 75% of the work in Bancroft Hall. Jimbo, an 8th wing cleaning staff member said, "Hi guys! You want to talk to ME? Cheerios!" After managing to calm the excitable cleaning man down, the Navy Fork elicited this response from Jimbo, "The cleaning machine is kind of scary, but it does an excellent job."

Workers eventually refilled Cleaning Machine's soap tank and presented it with a "Sex Machine: I work it" sticker. The Navy Fork is happy to report that Cleaning Machine is back to work, scrubbing away at midshipman filth.

Midshipman Suspicious of Roommate's Secretive Activity

Bancroft Hall-

"She's got some dirty little secret, I just know it," says Midshipmen 4/C Ashley Butley of 15th company. "I think she's hiding something... or someone... in her con locker." Ashley's suspicions first arose when she woke in the middle of the night last month to find her roommate, Stephanie Shader, whispering into her closet about cheddar cheese popcorn.

"I was half-asleep, because it was like 3 in the morning, but I swear I saw a guy's face. He had a goatee and horn-rim glasses. Isn't that weird? Steph fed him part of a snickers bar and then he kinda shimmied back into the con locker. I don't know though, I was pretty tired."

Ms. Shader denies the allegation that she is hiding a goateed, horn-rim glasses wearing Johnny in her confidential locker. "Ew, I don't even like horn-rim glasses. Ashley just needs to chillax." 4/C Butley insists that something is awry in her room. In a press release, she admitted to hearing ghostly recitations of Jack Kerouac at odd times throughout the day. Ms. Butley also reported finding wistful, and curiously bohemian love notes on the area surrounding Stephanie Shader's desk.

Midshipman- "Finals, finals go away. Ruin my grades another day."

Bancroft Hall-

Studies published by the Superintendent's Staff show that midshipmen actually prefer surfing the web, watching movies, and playing video games to studying for final exams. Midshipman 3/C Filippio, resurrected from the dead (See November 30 article), commented, "Yes. I like physics, but facebook is better. I have 143 profile pictures of me kicking it with honeydips. Call me papi."


(3/C Filippio pictured in background.)


Got a kicker? Send your ideas to the Navy Fork: midnxyz@hotmail.com

Supe Releases New Single

Annapolis, MD-

"R-R-R-Remix! Eyo Supe, what ya got to say?"
Those are the opening lines to the new Supe/Snoop single, "Up and At'Em Navee (Remix)." Boasting a funky, club-banging beat and horns provided by the Navy Band, the new take on an old hit is sure to hit somewhere in the top 10 pop chart. The Superintendent teamed up with Snoop Dogg, who has taken a serious interest in the Supe's rap development. "The Supe's got flavor. I like the authority he brings to the studio. Also, we work well as a team and that's what makes our shit so funky. You know how I dizzle my nizzle."

The Navy Fork congratulates the Superintendent on his work and is proud to publish the lyrics to his new single.

Up and At'Em Navee (Remix)
Up and At'Em Single
Supe and Snoop
Def Jam Recordings

(Snoop) R-R-R-Remix! Eyo Supe, what ya go to say?
(Supe) Word up homie. We knock these bitches out.

I say, up and at'em Navee. Hit em up wit somethin real.
Pull them gats out Navee. Let'em taste that hollow steel.
Punk! Ass! Bitch!
Punch your fuckin' lights out.
Talk that talk, see how we do.
Pop a gun at you today.
Tomorrow's when we get our pay,
Then we'll ho your bitch too.

(Snoop) That's real and I gotta say this.

Up and at'em motherfuckin' Navee. Light that thing and smoke it too.
Get that money Navee. Get so much ass you don't know what to do.
Get! Some! Shiiit!
Dress like g-funk killas.
Black and white, that's all we do.
Put some red on all that grey.
Now let me get my gangstas say,
We pimp harder than you.

(Supe) Yeah, that's how we does it.
(Snoop) Supe and big D-O double G.
(Supe) Beat Army!
(Snoop) Calm down yo.
(Supe) We out.

Holiday Gift Guide

In the spirit of the holidays, highlighted by last night's revelries, the Navy Fork has compiled a list of must-have gifts for your favorite midshipman.

#1 KY Jelly- Ease the pain of exams, room standards, and extra duty.

#2 You Are Worthless by Dr. Oswald Pratt and Dr. Scott Dikkers- Your mid's probably depressed right now. Kick them while they're down.

#3 Self Matters by Dr. Phil - Let's face it. All work and no play makes Midshipmen Jack a dull boy. Ease that mid back into a social life.

#4 Friends- Enough said.

#5 Gym Membership- Yes, and call on me.

Poll from Next Semester's Brigade Staff

How can the Brigade Staff increase morale? Mandatory 9 hour rest periods Conjugal visits Bring back grog Bring back the whip Slap a ho View Results

Zagat Rates King Hall

Annapolis, MD-

In an unprecedented move for the famous Zagat survey, the company granted a rating of 2 out of 30 to the midshipmen wardroom. A spokesperson for Zagat expounded on the grade, "2/30 is generous. I would pay money never to set foot in there again."

2 surveyors disguised as teachers entered King Hall sometime last week during Army Week's festivities. The following is an excerpt from Zagat's survey of King Hall.

"The first thing we noticed was the terrible service. Service with a smile? Maybe. But habla ingles? NO COMPRENDO. We finally managed to get seats, next to some attractive young men dressed like undertakers, but we were so crammed together we had to take turns eating so our arms wouldn't bump together.

Now to the meat of things. The servers brought out chicken in silver cans that looked like bedpans. Believe us here, chicken should not taste like cold sores. We ate because we were starving, but we couldn't even finish because the servers took our food before we finished. One server actually bit my arm.

The only saving grace to this mess of a hall was the clientele it attracts. Those young men and women have the chilling effect of scaring you and attracting you at the same time. We'd love to chew their chickens. Because we're food critics and we're probably gay. Probably."

The survey allows King Hall to display official Zagat stickers on its windows.

Army makes Top 5 Most Depressing Places on Earth List

West Point, NY-

Some call it "Castle Greyskull," after the grim headquarters of Skeletor from the He-Man animation series. The College and University National Team calls it, "the second most depressing place on this planet." #1 was taken by the Camden City Morgue, which won because of its extraordinary work tempo and bloodiness. Number three went to Nappy-Nap Time Animal Shelter in Philadelphia.

West Point recently moved to the number two spot after suffering a crushing defeat at the hands of the Navy football team. The fourth straight loss to the Navy Midshipmen, this Saturday's game shot morale down to a grave-digging low. West Point cadet Sam Burns said this, "Grey grey grey. My life is grey."

Others to make the list included the "Fun Experiments" Animal Testing Lab (#4) and "You Really Shouldn't Be Making Fun of This" Illegal Alien Sweatshop (#5).

Army to Reveal Secret Weapon

Philadelphia, PA-

After a humiliating 3 year losing streak to the Navy football team, Army's Black Knights have finally come up with an answer to Navy's powerful offense. Their secret? A M1A2 Abrams tank, complete with 120mm smooth bore cannon and .50 cal machinegun. Army coach Bobby Ross says, "I think this significantly levels the playing field. Now if I could get some fucking landmines, we'd be perfect!"
The Navy team has responded by performing emergency surgery on Matt Hall so that he can play in tomorrow's game. Predictions? PAIN.

GO NAVY! BEAT ARMY!

Letters to the Editor

The following are samples from actual emails to the Navy Fork Staff. Enjoy.


"Shame on you, naughty naughty bad boys." - Edward, Guam

"Your grammar is atrocious. Your November 14 article has dangling modifiers all over the place. Undangle those dangles!" - Bruce, MD

"...so I think you should do an article on ferris wheels." - Jake, PA

"How about a picture sweetie? Neck down, under armour only." - Raphael, CA

"How about more rap lyrics? That ish is off the hook." - Bradley, NY

"So what do you guys do in your spare time? Homework?" - Sam, MD

"I love you guys ;) Blonde, 5'6", 113 lbs., 35-25-34. Kisses!" - Luscious, ID

"...GWOT party! Strategic Navy-Marine Corps-terrorist team supporting the ideology of honor and commitment to jihad courageously." - Confused, MD

"Is it true that you guys aren't allowed to hit the ganga? Because that would really suck man." - Reggie, CA

"I want to be your baby maker!!!! Redhead, 5'12", weight? , nice shoulders, cute version of Janet Reno." - Chyna, MS


Send the Navy Fork your brilliant ideas: midnxyz@hotmail.com