2 Mids Dead after President's Visit

Annapolis, MD.-

Two midshipmen died today in separate incidents as President Bush stopped at the United States Naval Academy to speak out on several pressing issues. 3/C Filippio, of Norfolk, Virginia and 4/C Simpson, of Cincinnati, Ohio died of gunshot wounds.

3/C Filippio, described by friends as "kind-hearted and foreign," was shot by Secret Service personnel when he rushed the stage. NCIS suspects that he was just trying to get a closer look at the President. "He heard that the President looked more handsome up close, which explains why he went up there in the first place. We really can't explain why he was yodeling and doing the tootsie roll.. he kinda lost us there," said one of Tim Filippio's classmates.

4/C Simpson was killed earlier in the day when he appeared late for formation. Busy "studying organic chemistry with a close friend," Lionel Simpson did not read an email sent out to the brigade concerning this morning's activities. In the email, event staff assigned formation, march-off, and arrival times for each company. Lateness yielded painful consequences, as Lionel Simpson soon realized. Observant Secret Service agents tackled Simpson as he ran towards the formation and pinned him to the deck.

1/C Vangoldstein describes the event- "I saw Simpson running up towards the last rank.. then these two blacksuited guys threw him to the ground and started wrenching on his arms.. they actually pulled one off I think. After that, I got bored and turned away, but everyone heard the gun go off. I mean, you can't not hear 12 shots in a row. Anyway, you know what's for lunch?"

Funeral services will not be held for the two midshipmen.

John Paul Jones A "Lazy Son of a Bitch"

USNA Chapel-

Allegations rose last week when several Australian tourists visited famed naval hero, John Paul Jones, in his crypt. The visitors remarked, "What the hell is this? The mate's just lying there, lazy son of a bitch." A second-class midshipman on crypt watch stood at the entrance at parade rest and said nothing. The Navy Fork caught up with him after his 4 hours of brain-rot. "Frankly, they're right. All he does is lay there. He's not a very good conversationalist either."

John Paul Jones is celebrated by historians and no one else as the "Father of the United States Navy" and has defeated many mighty ships for no good reason. After a career of seadogging and battling the Serapis, Mr. Jones retired to a life of quiet meditation. He currently resides in Annapolis, MD. where he does jack shit.

Supe Has Fine Navy Day

Buchanan House-

After a long thanksgiving weekend, Superintendent Rodney P. Rempt returned to the Naval Academy to have a "Fine Navy day." The Vice Admiral began his morning with scrambled eggs and bacon, paired with a cup of hot cofee. Other morning events included straightening out the office, taking off his trousers so his personal aide could iron them while he watched, and taking a refreshing cruise on the "Severn," the admiral's personal yacht. Feeling nostalgic, the Superintendent ordered a flogging of one his enlisted crew members to top off the day. When asked about his abuse at the will of the admiral, BM3 Slate commented, "It's all part of a fine Navy day."

Elsewhere on Naval Academy grounds, Marine Corps Colonel David Fuqueau had his own "Fine Marine Corps day." After his daily body shave and haircut, Colonel Fuqueau plowed through a grueling day of room inspections, more haircuts, and reminiscing about his time spent at the Naval Academy. "Ah those were the days. Blowing my bugle, I still remember the taste.. the sweet metallic saltiness. Mmmm and the free haircuts," recalled the former Drum and Bugle Corps member. The Deputy Commandant, following in the Superintendent's steps, finished his day with flogging. Colonel Fuqueau's son is still recovering from his injuries.

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Thanksgiving Leave Advice

With leave coming up, here is the Fork's advice for all mids as they embark for Leave
10. DON'T wear your uniform out to parties. There is always a way to circumvent the problem.
9. Calling yourself a trained killer probably won't impress the pacifist girl or guy you're trying to hook up with.
8. Chances are the civilian next to you drinks more than you, so don't call yourself an alcoholic.
7. Quoting Top Gun verbatim hasn't been cool since 1990, except in gay bars.
6. Chopping should not be done at home, ever.
5. Don't make up stories about how many Iraqis who killed over the summer; however, feel free to be ambiguous when describing "summer training."
4. Plebes, don't talk about hardcore it is to make your bed 20 times in a row. Once again, ambiguity is a good thing.
3. Don't fight unless you're honor or pride is on the line. In that case, it is your duty to fight. Knives optional.
2. Don't deny that you go to the Academy, you should be proud. Don't brag about it, no one likes a tool. And any "In the Navy" reference from someone warrants a kick to the balls.
1. When in doubt, mention that you go to school with Tyreese.

Training Sergeant Drinks Alone

Bancroft Hall-

Midshipman Second-Class Hunt made plans today to drink heavily in the company of himself. It will not be the first time he has done so. When asked to name specifics, 31st company's training sergeant responded, "I'll just tell you this. Tonight it's just me, a bottle of Jack, and my ex's pantyhose." Known throughout his company as a "fire-breathing trainer" with a "heart made from Bancroft Hall granite," 2/C Hunt has little time for contact with the outside world. So when he ventures out from Gate One, the training sergeant prefers to do it alone.

"It's not just drinking alone. I eat alone, shoot squirrels alone, and have sex alone too. It's lonely being at the top of the food chain." Midshipmen in Hunt's company have quietly distanced themselves from him after witnessing some of his training events. 2/C Hunt spoke out on the alienation, "It's a bit unfair. So what if I punctured that kid's eardrum? He didn't know the menu! And that other plebe I maimed is gonna be fine. They have surgery for that kind of stuff."

"That kind of stuff" referred to the time 2/C Hunt made one of his fourth-class midshipmen do pushups until his chest split open. The training sergeant expressed no regrets.

Breaking News: School Sucks Ass

Annapolis, MD.-

Independent agencies have verified that school does, in fact, suck ass. News broke shortly after 0630 this morning when midshipmen woke to the horrific sounds of reveille. Midshipman 1/C Moorhead, still enjoying the effects of 86 shots of Southern Comfort, spoke to the Navy Fork- "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yeeeeeaahhhh I love sexxxxxx."

Midshipmen have long suspected that classes have a negative effect on morale. However, the cold and the departure of many midshipmen for Operation Information have exponentially increased what people call the "Educatus Anilingus Factor." 3/C Bitterman , more depressing than ever, commented, "With my luck, I'll contract Bird Flu on Wednesday afternoon and I won't be able to leave. I just know it. Now if you'll excuse me, my wrist has an appointment with my issued Gillette razor."

Along with the spike in the Educatus Anilingus factor, masturbation and self-asphyxiation have reached all-time highs. Masturbation combined with self-asphyxiation, or the practice of choking oneself, can be extremely dangerous and weird, especially while thinking about anilingus. On a positive note, Brigade Staff expects that the "EA Factor" will drop significantly around 1:45pm on Wednesday, when the Brigade departs for Thanksgiving leave.

Pep Rally Way Too Peppy

Annapolis, MD-

Midshipmen gathered in the chill last night to yell, smash deputy commandant Col. Fuqueau's car, and to paint penises on T-Court. Spirit was high and music was generic as all the BSA's came out to celebrate tomorrow's victory over Temple university. The obvious centerpiece to yesterday's pep rally, the Dept. Dant's car, marked just the start of the festivities. Midshipmen took turns swinging at the automobile, yelling things like, "Fuque you!","Kelly Clarkson!" and "I hate this fucking place!"

What started off as a pep rally quickly became a party as the pep spread to downtown Annapolis. "It was really cool. We were rolling down Main Street with our hammers and I hit a lady in the pelvis," reported one first-class midshipman. Midshipmen succeeded in flattening over 30 cars in DTA, resulting in $1.5 million in damage, and unusually high spirit levels.

The Superintendent spoke about Thursday night's events earlier this morning at a staff meeting. "I was very impressed by last night's pep rally and I'm sure that the football team appreciates the Brigade's enthusiasm. As a matter of fact, let's do the damn thing and FIRE IT UP!" Brigade staff responded by setting the Dept. Dant's newly purchased car on fire.

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Brenda Now Category 5 Angry Black Woman

7th Wing Basement-

Midshipmen in the Post office area of Bancroft Hall took cover today when Brenda took a turn for the worse. 3/C Fillipio- "Brenda ruined my life." Brenda started off as a Category 4 and has long remained a constant threat to midshipmen safety. Today, however, unfavorable conditions in the 7th wing area led to what experts call, "Possibly the angriest black woman we've ever seen in this area."

Around 3p.m. eastern time, an unidentified midshipman went to request a replacement key for his mailbox. He did not survive. By 3:30p.m. Brenda had wreaked total havic in the area, burning mail and tossing midshipmen againt walls like pieces of salami. "I've never seen so much blood. Just body parts and guts everywhere.. Oh lord, I can't talk about this anymore," said one distraught worker. One survivor told the Navy Fork that Brenda actually swallowed a midshipman whole.

All in the vicinity are strongly advised to evacuate immediately, as Brenda may flare up again, given the appropriate conditions. You may help the relief effort by pressing the "Support the Navy Fork" icon to the right. Any contribution will be much appreciated.

Brigade Medical Announces Bird Flu Strategy

6th Wing Medical-

In response to growing concerns about the possibility of an avian flu pandemic, the Brigade Medical Department revealed its plan for controlling an outbreak. "We're very sinceriously concerned about the health of the brigade. After all, excellence is our standard," said one spokesman.

H5N1, a particularly dangerous strain of the bird flu, is a major concern for the U.S. government, which plans to spend 7.1 billion dollars in preparation for the flu. From 1918-19, one such flu killed over 20 million people throughout the world. One particulary concerned midshipman stated, "This flu is no joke. I've beefed up my vitamin intake and sworn off eating wild goose all together."

Brigade Medical has recommended the following precautionary measures to all midshipmen. The staff rates this procedure as .99% effective.

How to Deal with the Bird Flu:
1. Obtain cough syrup and foot powder from the pharmacy in 6th wing.
2. Measure out 2 oz. foot powder and 2 teaspoons of cough syrup.
3. Mix together to form poultice.
4. Apply generously to throat/neck area.
5. Contract bird flu.

Supe Throws Sex Party, Dept. Dant Not Invited

-Buchanan House

Vice Admiral Rempt hosted a swing party at his quarters last night for a large group of revelers. Absent among the partygoers was Colonel David Fuqueau, Deputy commandant of the brigade of midshipmen. Known throughout the brigade as the primary cause of discontent at the Naval Academy, Col. Fuqueau seemed to accept the rejection quite gracefully. "I completely understand Adm. Rempt's reasoning. Someone has to maintain the standards here, and I am honored to be that man. I sincerely appreciate the Supe's consideration and I will continue to crush morale until I am relieved."

When asked to respond, the Superintendent replied, "That's horse shit. Dave knows very well why I didn't invite him, and that's this: He's a total cock block. I mean, he's detrimental to my game. How am I supposed to throw down when he's saying things like 'Your couch is UNSAT' and 'These bitches need haircuts.'? "

Inside sources report that the party was all in all a success. Snoop Dogg, as promised, made an appearance, as did Commandant Bruce Grooms. The party did not start until the Dant walked in and did not end until 6 in the morning.

Dant Pokes Supe

Annapolis- Vice Admiral Rempt returned from South Bend this morning to find a surprise on his computer; Commandant Bruce Grooms had poked him on Facebook. "Although I am honored by this, it comes as quite a surprise," said Adm. Rempt in a statement. He continued,"I added the Dant as a friend for working purposes, and he joined my "Fire It Up!" Group, but I never anticipated being poked.

Captain Grooms, in a published statement, justified his poking, claiming that it was natural for a friend to poke another, claiming that poking was harmless and good for morale. The Dant was excited he claimed because "over the weekend I reached my 300th friend. I did not just poke the Supe, I also poked 17 random midshipmen, and some guy from Maryland who claims to be Homer Simpson.

Adm. Rempt staff and legal team are looking into the incident and are unsure about whether or not they want to press sexual assault charges on Captain Grooms. If they do, it will be the third such poking case nationally.

New TAPS system

After a rash of "touch-n-goes," 6th Battalion instituted a new TAPS policy. TAPS will not go up until 2300 (that's 11 pm). The Fork managed to track down some 6th Batters to get their opinions:

1/C Moorhead "Sucks for those Group 3 majors for picking an easy major."

4/C McGowan "So, plebes can't stay up past 2300 and can't sign TAPS before 2300. Wow, it's a good thing I learned time travel from Penn and Teller."

2/C Hunt "So can I go out every night now?"

3/C Bitterman "Is this gonna be one of those rules we actually follow, like going to clss, or it is one of those we ignore, like every other rule?"

3/C Filippio "I like it. Now I can more homework before leaving deck and sneaking out."

4/C Simpson "It could be worse. If they can make up rules like this, imagine the gay rules they make up for their kids. Now that sucks."

Supe's Next Big Step: Def Jam Recordings

-Buchanan House

The Superintendent announced today his plans for life after retiring from the Navy. "I really think that the Brigade has benefited from my revival of singing at the Naval Academy, and I think I can do the same for the Hip-hop community." While at the Academy, Superintendent Rodney "Pimp Daddy" Rempt made history when he instituted mandatory singing at several yard events.

Despite the alumni's laughing, pointing, and spitting, the Brigade of Midshipmen continues to belt out old Navy classics at the Supe's behest. "I was really pissed off at first about this mandatory singing shit, but it's actually really contagious. Last night I serenaded my girlfriend with 'Anchors away' and let me tell you, someone's getting laid this weekend," said one retarded midshipman.

Admiral Rempt discussed the reasons for singing and the benefits of it, stating, "Look, singing brings up the morale and cohesion of the mids, so why shouldn't it work for the gun-bangers? I mean, let's all just put our pieces down and sing those navy tunes." He plans to release a solo album including remixes of the biggest navy hits. The Navy Fork was fortunate enough to retrieve some of the lyrics from the Supe's upcoming Navy Remix CD.

"The goat is old and dirrrtay and he'll take your ass to school. He'll take yo bacon and shoot you in the gum (you dirty ass-donkey) then throw you in the pool. Thug Life bitches!"- From Navy: The Remix, The Goat is old and Gnarly Remix

The Supe expressed his enthusiasm for this project, stating, "This is going to be huge. We'll have the Glee Club featuring Jay-Z and who knows what other collabos. I can't wait to see the results." Rumor has it that rapper Snoop Dogg may be stopping by the Buchanan House in coming weeks.

Washing Machine Accused of Honor Offense

-Annapolis, MD.

Washing machine #4 appeared before an honor board today in what many believe to be a long overdue trial. "This thing has been stealing my quarters and tube socks for a good 8 months. It's about time someone turned him in," said one midshipman on the scene. A record number of witnesses showed up to testify against the accused, whose charges include stealing dirty underwear, and cheating various midshipmen of a total of $48.75 in quarters.
A trial has also been set for washing machine #4's partner-in-crime, Dryer #4. Despite several requests for interviews, the appliances have always responded with, "No comment."

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What's the deal with Morale?

Thanksigiving is near, and the plebes are beginning to countdown. Navy football is closing in on a third straight bowl game. The semester is almost over and morale is rising. Quite frankly, I'm depressed over this high morale.

Why? We all know that morale is really highest when it's lowest. Come on guys, high morale means that we go out and have fun, but low morale means bitter sarcasm and satire. Who wants life to be all good when you can get some good jokes instead? Earlier this year, when we couldn't do anything during study hour, had this new duty thing, and more inspections, humor was at an all-time high in the Brigade. I wait for that day again.

So while you all focus on the near future with Thanksgiving, Army-Navy, and Christmas, I look forward to the Dark Ages. Hopefully they'll have some more tricks up their sleeves to get morale where it belongs.

Navy Routs Tulane- 12th Man Struggles

Navy football overcame some late struggles from the 12th Man to post an impressive 49-21 victory over Tulane before a Homecoming Crowd of over 33,000. The victory moved Navy closer to a bowl, but raised questions regarding the statud of the 12th Man for this Saturday's game against Notre Dame. Coach Paul Johnson was not concerned saying "we had our most impressive game against Rice two weeks ago without him, so I think we can survive." However, Superintendent Rempt showed some discontent, saying "without the 12th Man helping to block that punt against Air Force we'd be lost." Vice Adm. Rempt stressed to Johnson that the 12th Man must play this weekend for Navy to have any chance to break their long losing streak to the Irish. Johnson, however, may let the 12th Man rest during the Temple game to recover from some bumps and bruises. Both Rempt and Johnson asserted that the 12th Man must be ready for the Dec. 3 Army game, against an Army team who beat Air Force. "I've decided to give the 12th Man some leave at Thanksgiving so he can come back rested and healthy for Army," said Adm. Rempt yesterday, "and I trust that he won't disappoint his teammates."

Dant breaks personal speaking record

Annapolis, MD.

In a surprise visit to King Hall today, the Commandant of Midshipmen, Captain Bruce Grooms, broke his all-time record of 15 words spoken in a single minute. Sources tell the Fork "He sounded so excited that I thought he might pass out." Notorious for his use of repetition and awkward pauses, the former basketball star positively raced through what appeared to be a motivational speech.

When asked about the possibility of future fast-paced talks, Bruce replied, "I...do...not...know...if...I ...can...keep...up...this...pace" Shortly after this interview, the Dant was taken to a nearby hospital for high blood pressure and a mild hernia.